I am reading a plant-based food lifestyle magazine called Thrive.  I flip through it with coffee, looking at the pictures and recipes.  I feel like I am ingesting the images of the food.  I say to myself, “if I had a chef, I could live on plant-based food, it looks so good”  Interesting thinking. This thinking is powerlessness at its best.  It leaves me waiting for the day, when I could hire a chef. It leaves me reaching outside myself for someone to feed me.  Someone who can nurture my body, with the right food for me.

How many of us flip through magazines, and watch the food channel aka food porn, with no intention of cooking the recipes. My friend watches the food channel and eats chips as her entertainment.  A quick hit of a fantasy, just like porn, and then go back to our mundane life.

The plant-based movement really intrigues me.  It has a sense of decadence to it, and an inclusive lifestyle.  There is a no deprivation energy– just abundance.

I realise I have waited my whole life for someone to feed me well.

What about feeding myself?

Do I do the same with love?

Do I wait for someone to give me the love that will nourish me, heal me and fulfil my soul?

Dr. Barbara D’Angelis, best-selling author of the Choice for Love  talks about giving ourselves what we really need.  She equates it to getting on a plane hungry, assuming they will have the food you need.  “It is like starving yourself and expecting someone else to feed you”.

Now is the time for me to start feeding myself.  Feeding my body what it really wants; food that makes me feel happy instead of sad. Yesterday I made a roast, potatoes and greens. After dinner I felt content, energetic and proud.

Now I am re-evaluating everything I ingest.  Taking in entertainment that uplifts me, rather than leaving me feeling beaten down, by viewing violence and pain. Feeding myself great protein and tasty treats.  The protein is real love and connection, with myself, my partner, and my beloved dogs. The tasty treats are meditation, love, sunlight, cuddles, and thankfulness inside and out.

A great chef designs recipes that are deeply satisfying.  How do I learn the recipes that makes up the menu for my life?

In 2018 I am going to become the master chef of my body, mind, and spirit.

I want to Thrive.



A different world inside….

When you get to a certain age you have fewer years in front of you than behind you.  You can stop and evaluate your life.

I believe that the first 50 years of my life I have spent trying to figure the world out, trying to figure life out.  Working very hard to manage life to get what I want.  I have spent all my energy wanting to understand motivations, people and systems.

Now I feel I am moving into the heart phase of my life.  Letting go of the need to know, letting go of the insistence of understanding the world and people.  Letting go of the hard work to constantly quantify people and experiences.

As a child I thought that if I understood and had knowledge it would protect me and keep me safe from the outside world.

As an adult I know…….

Most of the universe is unknowable.

So much of life is a mystery.

When I focus on needing to know, needing to understand; I narrow my bandwidth for the divine to flow in.  I can only know what is in front of me.

The next 30 years I want to spend experiencing the mystery of life.

I want to flow rather than understand.

I want to love rather than evaluate.

I want to discriminate rather than assess.

I want to share the love that I came here to share, for myself and others around me.

If we all did this we would have a very different world!

“Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

~ Brené Brown

Going down the mountain

Sitting in our backyard in Boulder is so nice.  We can hear the trees and the creek.  Two fat squirrels are chasing each other through the overlapping trees that have not been trimmed in 30 years.  The squirrels in Bolder are brown and fat.  The mountain squirrels are lean and gray.   We walk down the circle stone path and find a blackberry bush by a stone bench and sit, picking the sweet September blackberries.

This is our new home in Boulder.  We had to leave the mountains and go to the city to find quiet.  In Breckenridge we heard fire alarms, garbage trucks and food delivery trucks arriving for the downtown restaurants all day.  For a town of 4,500 there were at least 4 alarms a day.  Not to mention the tourists who alarm their cars in the parking lot accross from our old Breckenridge house.

Sitting here in our Boulder, the house energy is wonderful. We rented it from a couple who in their 60’s.  They decided to take a contract teaching in Burma or the union of Myanma.  He is an english professor, and she is a video producer, both on an adventure now that their two boys are in college.

This couple have lived in this house for 30 years, raised their kids in a one bedroom cottage.  As the kids grew they added 2 tiny rooms,  an extra bathroom but no closets.  It feels like a small cottage in the city.

They built a shed that became the boys bong hut in their 20’s.  When we looked at the house the bong hut had truck seats, and a Bob Marley wall hanging, and lots of butts in the ashtray.

Now we have painted it and converted it into our meditation room, a quiet sacred reflective space with a mosaic red lantern, and a tree of life bronze wall hanging and lots of cushions for sitting.

Looking around the garden I notice an orange wheelbarrow, and my mind flashes back to my first marriage,  and our first house in 2005.  I was thrilled to have a garden of my own.  Owning a house was good, but a garden that I could invest in, and did not have to leave was priceless for me.

I spent most summer days in the garden.  One day my husband arrived with a beautiful top of the line metal wheelbarrow in enamel blue, with gorgeous wood and blue enamel handles.  I cried.  He said it was the best one on the market.  My heart and mind flash back to that moment sitting here in this garden in Boulder.

This house has a great mature garden that backs onto a creek.  It has brambles and overgrown areas that remind me of my grandfathers garden in Eaglescliff – Northern England. We used to play hide and seek through the raspberries and rose bushes.  When I grew up and went back to my grandfathers garden, it was so small, but it felt like a labyrinth of secret places.   I can imagine a young couple moving to Boulder, him a young english teacher, her an aspiring filmaker, watching their young boys running around the back yard, playing hide and seek.

We can’t wait to bring our 3-year-old husky down from the mountain to this new house. She can hide in the shade of a tree,  or chase the brown chubby squirrels through the underbrush.   I am sitting at a square wooden table that is weathered and grey, and has four benches around it.  I imagine great barbeques and good discussions at this table.

My heart is like the old weathered wood.  A little worn, but plenty of life still left in it.

Cheers to Boulder!

Storage past lives

Its amazing what you discover when you are moving.  I have had my belongings stored in my friends basement.  Now she is moving and it’s time to get everything out.

I have been living in Colorado and my belongings are stored in Canada.

Going through your stored belongings, is like going through your past lives.  Your hobbies, your half-finished projects.  I  find a finished piece of stained glass mosaic.  When did I  create this? 10 years ago?

Another box holds your theatre life in Montreal ,Canada from age 24-30.  I pull out the poster Laughing Wild by Christopher Durang  It was my first juicy lead role at age 24.  Then another poster Blatantly Sexual produced at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre in Toronto.  A play I wrote and produced.  This was when you were dating your first real love, and thought you were so radical and creative and was out to prove it to the world.

A third completed project a stained glass piece, of a girl on a hill, the girl is in red while the hills surrounding her are clear white glass. Reflecting on it now it looks like a lonely image.  Perhaps that is how I felt in my 20’s.

Finally my angel wings I made out of metal ready for a garden.  Meanwhile these wings have only seen the back of storage.

Why do we hang onto these random objects?  Is it because they tell us who we were?  That we existed. That we were creative and daring at some point our life.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

~ Brené Brown

split between two countries

Living a life in two countries.

It is a strange subversive stress to live in one country (in this case the USA) and have your friends and your belongings in another country (Canada).  I live in Colorado and I am adapting to the differences in culture.  But despite how much I love my new husband I am always feels torn.  Torn between the familiar, the ease of Canada and the strange individualistic culture of the USA.

As we flew here to Canada from Denver a mother and father with twin boys boarded the plane.  They asked a man if he would be willing to trade seats with the husband who was in the back of the plane as he would be separated from his kids and wife.  The man refused to move, he liked his seat near the front of the plane.

For the next two hours the kids screamed and the mother screamed, I bet he wished he had traded seats on the plane.   I remember thinking he must be an American.  Most Canadians would have given up their seat.

When we landed in Canada we came through as one family.  I had a Canadian passport and he has an American passport.  I thought we would get pulled over for scrutiny.  Instead they said to my partner “Canada welcomes you”.  What a sigh of relief!

Living in the USA without the right to work is stressful.  So is not being able to leave the country.  I  sympathize with the undocumented hispanic populations who live in fear that they will be kicked out.

I am relieved to know that the end is in sight—- I will have all my life in one place soon.

I believe as humans we are territorial.  This means we desire all our stuff our belongings in one place.   I have had my belongings in Canada for 8 months, while living in Colorado.   Have you ever felt split?  A part of you is in one country and part of you is in the other? My heart is with my new husband, and my heart is also with my elderly best friend, who is in Canada trying to manage her house on her own.

For me finally having the right to travel and go to Canada, to have my belongings all in  one place,  is a feeling of being home.

We had a Canadian wedding reception.  Ritual is so important to mark rights of passage.  For me this reception helped me know and feel I was married.  To be witnessed by a community of people I loved and who love me in return.

I would love to hear from others who are living life in two countries…………

Miracles every day

Today I experienced a miracle.

I was accepted for a green card.  I received the letter but not the card.   It seems the government sent the card to the wrong address.  The letter without the card is worth buchus.

For those of you who don’t know the green card=social security card=getting a job=getting a Colorado drivers license=getting my car registered.

My life hinges on this card.

I would have sprung for the $17.50 Fedex fee for a signature delivery, since it cost me $5,000 so far to apply for immigration,  through a lawyer.

So now the government is tracking where they sent the card, that will take 10 days.

Meanwhile I have a ticket back to Canada yesterday, to visit my best friend who is 74 and in ill-health.  She had to sell her house and move into a seniors residence.

I wanted to be there, to take her round possible residences, negotiate the agreement with the agent who is selling her house.  Help her every step of the way.

When I found out about the lost green card, this ment no trip back to Canada as my lawyer said “if you leave the country your application becomes null and void and they won’t let you back in”.

I was angry and upset and heart-broken.  I felt like I could not do my duty for my best friend who was always there for me.    I was widowed at 44 years old.  Blindsided, shocked and deeply suicidal she saved my life, as my neighbour talking to me, seeing my pain, accepting me as I am.

Now in her time of need I was not there.

I did not sleep, I felt deep soul anguish, which led me to prayer.

I begged my dead husband to help.  I invoked the angel of god.   I asked for the impossible: to make things easy for my best friend Pauline.

I prayed every night for help and ease.  I  did the loving Kindness meditation imagining my friend Pauline at ease, and at peace.

A miracle happened.

Today I called my friend Pauline, and she told me a neighbour has offered to buy her house for cash, no agents.  They have been to the lawyers and the house closes July 28th.

She has seen a nice seniors home that has an indoor pool, and card games and is moving in July.

What a miracle.

Here I was in deep anguish that I could not leave the country to help my best friend.

As soon as I surrendered to spirit, and asked for help, and allowed spirit to take over, the solution was fast, creative, effective and perfect.

Something I could not have thought of or engineered.

You see my friend is very private, and I knew she would not want people trotting through her house.

This solution was PERFECT.

This was a great lesson for me in trying too hard to manage situations, rather than call on the mighty spirit to bring about the perfect resolution.  In this case within 48 hours.

Wow what a lesson for me.

Tell me about your everyday miracle.

The Healer

I went to a Deva Primal concert in Boulder.   It was amazing.  She asked us to turn to someone beside us and chant to each other.  I chanted with a women whose eyes were clear, and  her heart was open.

In the break we chatted.  I told her she had such a great spirit. I asked if she was a healer.  She said “I don’t call myself that.”  I asked what do you do?  She said she did Reiki.  I said “so you are a healer”.   She said “if I use that word healer it implies that the person lying on the table is broken.  I don’t see my clients as broken.  I see them as whole.  What I do is bring through the I am energy, to help them remember their wholeness.”

I really appreciated this conversation.  It made me think how often I hold someone as broken in my mind? Are we not limiting the other person by how we hold them energetically?  If I think of someone as broken, am I helping them break out of their box?  Or am I energetically joining with them, to reinforce what is not working.

How often do we hold ourselves as broken, focusing on our own deficits.  When we do this we are energetically reinforcing the walls around heart.

What if we started connecting to our wholeness internally.  Consciously connecting to the part of us that is already is complete a few times a day.  How would my life change?  How would the world change, if we all spend time each day, connecting to our existing wholeness rather than focus on what needs fixing.



Flying United has turned into a gameshow.

I check in on the self serve terminal and the gate shows but no assigned seats.  I ask the agent.  They said they will assign seats at the gate, this is their new policy.  I ask if the flight is oversold.  He says yes.

I said that I need a seat as it is too much stress for the next 2 hours knowing if I have a seat.

He tells me to go to the gate.  I get to the gate and they are looking for 3 volunteers who will give up their seat for $300.  I am sitting behind the gate attendant.

A man walks up with a smile and says he will give up his seat for $500;   and the games begin.  He looks like a gambling type of man who is out to make a deal.

The gate attendant says “I can’t do that now, but wait a bit and we will see”.  She said “but you will do it for 500?”.   She confers with another older gate attendant.   She asks the man to fill in a card.

Why do they oversell a flight with 19 passengers on a standby list.  How does that happen?   I just don’t understand why, everyone has paid for a seat so even if they don’t show up it, the airline gets the money.

I have decided I do not want to fly with an airline that does not give me a seat at time of booking.

PS. They still managed to get 2 off duty flight crew on, with 19 passengers still on standby.

HMMMM how much has really changed?