Dirty courage is being willing to fall in love again in your 50’s and 60’s when you can never pretend that you are young, fit and free. You have bags under your eyes, and emotional baggage. You have memories that are treasured, and ones you wish you could forget.
I have so many friends in their 50’s and 60’s who secretly want love but have resigned themselves to living alone. They are getting by with their job, their kids are growing up, and moving out and they have a stable life.
Love would complicate that. One of my very good friends has said to me he would not date anyone unless they were 20 min-30 min away from him. He does not have the time or interest to date someone further away.
What if the love of your life is waiting for you? What if you were destined to meet this person on your next trip to the city, or to a campground or on a hike in the mountains?
Once you narrow your view, then your view is changed.
Your mind only notices what is in its direct view.
Dhumavati is the hindu goddess of letting go. We are told we can invoke this goddess to help us navigate disappointment, and to discover the freedom in letting go.
Letting go is not something we are taught. It is a skill we observe in our parents assuming they are able to let go.
My mother hung onto everything and guarded her belongings. “Grasping” was a word that comes to mind.
My father was interesting, he was a collector who had 3 of everything just in case. He grew up in the depression. He would swing between hording, and letting go of everything.
One day I came home and my mother was furious. My father had given away the silverware, so we had nothing to eat dinner with.
As a child growing up in the British Air Force, we were forced to let go of the idea of home. We moved countries every 2 years. As a kid I intuitively knew not to get too attached to friends, objects, or placse as it would be gone when we moved.
Deep inside me I know I yearned to attach to something. I had no idea that I could build a “home” inside myself.
Now I find myself in a state of relinquishment, choosing to let go-for love.
How much would you give up for love?
Would you leave your country?
Would you leave your work?
Would you leave your friends?
Would you leave the familiar?
I have a good friend who is now 58, and is seriously seeking love. His criterion is that a women lives within 30 mintues drive of him. He is not willing to drive beyond that for love. Does that not limit his options? What if his perfect match lived 2 hours away?
How often do we get attached to a fixed outcome, and cling to it. Then we get angry when something else shows up that does not match our vision.
How do we surrender to the life that is right in front of us?
When you get to a certain age you have fewer years in front of you than behind you. You can stop and evaluate your life.
I believe that the first 50 years of my life I have spent trying to figure the world out, trying to figure life out. Working very hard to manage life to get what I want. I have spent all my energy wanting to understand motivations, people and systems.
Now I feel I am moving into the heart phase of my life. Letting go of the need to know, letting go of the insistence of understanding the world and people. Letting go of the hard work to constantly quantify people and experiences.
As a child I thought that if I understood and had knowledge it would protect me and keep me safe from the outside world.
As an adult I know…….
Most of the universe is unknowable.
So much of life is a mystery.
When I focus on needing to know, needing to understand; I narrow my bandwidth for the divine to flow in. I can only know what is in front of me.
The next 30 years I want to spend experiencing the mystery of life.
I want to flow rather than understand.
I want to love rather than evaluate.
I want to discriminate rather than assess.
I want to share the love that I came here to share, for myself and others around me.
If we all did this we would have a very different world!
“Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
~ Brené Brown
We all have a pain story. We all have a past where we have been hurt, dumped, and left broken-hearted. We think our story makes us unique. We believe that no one could fully understand our suffering.
As we enter into the new moon I have been contemplating letting go of my pain story. To no longer let my pain story define me now, and into the future.
I went to a new moon ceremony that included stories about goddesses, live music and asana practice.
We were led us through yoga asanas while the musicians chanted. We were told in this new moon we have an opportunity to transform our shadow into light, and to set our intention.
What is it that no longer serves you that you can now let go of?
What darkness would you like to release to the light of this new moon?
Today I experienced a miracle.
I was accepted for a green card. I received the letter but not the card. It seems the government sent the card to the wrong address. The letter without the card is worth buchus.
For those of you who don’t know the green card=social security card=getting a job=getting a Colorado drivers license=getting my car registered.
My life hinges on this card.
I would have sprung for the $17.50 Fedex fee for a signature delivery, since it cost me $5,000 so far to apply for immigration, through a lawyer.
So now the government is tracking where they sent the card, that will take 10 days.
Meanwhile I have a ticket back to Canada yesterday, to visit my best friend who is 74 and in ill-health. She had to sell her house and move into a seniors residence.
I wanted to be there, to take her round possible residences, negotiate the agreement with the agent who is selling her house. Help her every step of the way.
When I found out about the lost green card, this ment no trip back to Canada as my lawyer said “if you leave the country your application becomes null and void and they won’t let you back in”.
I was angry and upset and heart-broken. I felt like I could not do my duty for my best friend who was always there for me. I was widowed at 44 years old. Blindsided, shocked and deeply suicidal she saved my life, as my neighbour talking to me, seeing my pain, accepting me as I am.
Now in her time of need I was not there.
I did not sleep, I felt deep soul anguish, which led me to prayer.
I begged my dead husband to help. I invoked the angel of god. I asked for the impossible: to make things easy for my best friend Pauline.
I prayed every night for help and ease. I did the loving Kindness meditation imagining my friend Pauline at ease, and at peace.
A miracle happened.
Today I called my friend Pauline, and she told me a neighbour has offered to buy her house for cash, no agents. They have been to the lawyers and the house closes July 28th.
She has seen a nice seniors home that has an indoor pool, and card games and is moving in July.
What a miracle.
Here I was in deep anguish that I could not leave the country to help my best friend.
As soon as I surrendered to spirit, and asked for help, and allowed spirit to take over, the solution was fast, creative, effective and perfect.
Something I could not have thought of or engineered.
You see my friend is very private, and I knew she would not want people trotting through her house.
This solution was PERFECT.
This was a great lesson for me in trying too hard to manage situations, rather than call on the mighty spirit to bring about the perfect resolution. In this case within 48 hours.
Wow what a lesson for me.
Tell me about your everyday miracle.
I spend days feeling fear. Today I decided to make a big list of all my fears and burn them. Byron Katie author of Do the Work says to write your fears as if they are happening now in order to release them. Ok here goes.
I am afraid I am running out of money not working in the USA.
I am afraid that I am bored and isolated here in the mountains.
I am afraid that I am a sloth, that sleeps and eats, and lays around just passing time.
I am afraid that I am not enough for my partner.
I am afraid I have nothing to say, nothing to contribute.
I am afraid I am wasting my life in Colorado.
I am afraid that I have no friends here.
I am afraid we are driving each other crazy in this gorgeous house.
I am afraid to have sex on the new 750 thread count sheets.
I am afraid of losing myself.
I am afraid I am becoming someone else for my partner.
“We have to be careful of how we handle our fear-because I’ve noticed that when people try to kill off their fear, they often end up inadvertently murdering their creativity in the process. So I don’t try to kill off my fear. I don’t go to war against it. Instead, I make all that space for it. Heaps of space. Every single day I’m making space for fear right this moment. I allow my fear to live and breathe and stretch out its legs comfortably. It seems to me that the less I fight my fear, the less it fights back. If I can relax, fear relaxes too. In fact, I cordially invite fear to come along with me everywhere I go.” Elizabeth Gilbert Big Magic
“The professional tackles the project that will make him stretch. He takes on the assignment that will bear him into uncharted waters, compel him to explore unconscious parts of himself. Is he scared? Hell, yes. He’s petrified. So if you are paralyzed with fear, it’s a good sign. Steven Pressfield The War of Art
So feeling my fear is a good thing. It means I am onto something big, meaningful, important. It is the opposite of what my ego tells me, that fear is a warning sign. Henry Fonda, the famous actor, used to throw up before each performance out of fear. But he still went on the stage. He did not stay in the wings and let his fear rule him. Many people who don’t know me well have said “you are so courageous”. Perhaps that is true. I am not sure there is such a thing as a fearless person. It is a matter of making space for my fear, but not letting it rule the action.
As the author Elizabeth Gilbert says, she takes her fear along for the ride as a passenger, but she does not let her fear drive the car, touch the maps, or even change the radio station. Fear sits in the back seat, and looks out the window.
Fear does not drive my car.