We all have a pain story. We all have a past where we have been hurt, dumped, and left broken-hearted. We think our story makes us unique. We believe that no one could fully understand our suffering.
As we enter into the new moon I have been contemplating letting go of my pain story. To no longer let my pain story define me now, and into the future.
I went to a new moon ceremony that included stories about goddesses, live music and asana practice.
We were led us through yoga asanas while the musicians chanted. We were told in this new moon we have an opportunity to transform our shadow into light, and to set our intention.
What is it that no longer serves you that you can now let go of?
What darkness would you like to release to the light of this new moon?
Today we sat by the Breckenridge river, at the french bakery here in town. As the days of september get shorter and cooler brook trout and brown trout attempt to go upstream to spawn.
We sat and watched the brown trout in the stream, as the water rushed downhill. There were two culverts dumping water into lower lying land. We watched fish trying to jump up to higher ground, going against the rushing water. They attempted to leap the 5 ft gap.
Their jumps seemed like futile attempts, but they kept trying. These fish were my teachers today…I asked myself:
How much energy do I put into futile endeavours?
How much energy do I put into swimming upstream? For example trying to do it my way rather than surrender and trust the universe.
Everything flows downstream….I have been swimming upstream all my life, resisting the flow, resisting life. Letting my mind and ego run the show until it no longer works.
Now is the time to let go and flow.
Have you slowed down enough to listen? Where can you slow down enough to make space for the silent whisper of your heart?
There is so much silence here in the mountains. On our daily hikes we have found secret meadows for a picnic, and spots where we can dip our feet into the cold mountain streams.
I have taken to meditating by the mountain stream. The rushing water creates a background of pink noise that you can zone out to. I imagine sending my energy and stress down to the earth and into the stream. I invite the pine tree energy and the cosmic sky above to flow universal energy in through the top of my head, and mingle with the earth energy. I can smell the pine trees, I can hear the running water. I am sitting on the moist earth after a night of rain. Running these two energies through my body clears out any “cobwebs” or stuck energy that I have picked up thought the day.
My two dogs sit beside me, drawn by the energy. What a privilege to be here in the mountains at this time, insulated from the chaos in the rest of the US.
You can always find stillness inside if you slow down enough to listen. I would love to hear what is your place that allows you to get to still inside?
Its amazing what you discover when you are moving. I have had my belongings stored in my friends basement. Now she is moving and it’s time to get everything out.
I have been living in Colorado and my belongings are stored in Canada.
Going through your stored belongings, is like going through your past lives. Your hobbies, your half-finished projects. I find a finished piece of stained glass mosaic. When did I create this? 10 years ago?
Another box holds your theatre life in Montreal ,Canada from age 24-30. I pull out the poster Laughing Wild by Christopher Durang It was my first juicy lead role at age 24. Then another poster Blatantly Sexual produced at Buddies in Bad Times Theatre in Toronto. A play I wrote and produced. This was when you were dating your first real love, and thought you were so radical and creative and was out to prove it to the world.
A third completed project a stained glass piece, of a girl on a hill, the girl is in red while the hills surrounding her are clear white glass. Reflecting on it now it looks like a lonely image. Perhaps that is how I felt in my 20’s.
Finally my angel wings I made out of metal ready for a garden. Meanwhile these wings have only seen the back of storage.
Why do we hang onto these random objects? Is it because they tell us who we were? That we existed. That we were creative and daring at some point our life.
“Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”
~ Brené Brown
Today I experienced a miracle.
I was accepted for a green card. I received the letter but not the card. It seems the government sent the card to the wrong address. The letter without the card is worth buchus.
For those of you who don’t know the green card=social security card=getting a job=getting a Colorado drivers license=getting my car registered.
My life hinges on this card.
I would have sprung for the $17.50 Fedex fee for a signature delivery, since it cost me $5,000 so far to apply for immigration, through a lawyer.
So now the government is tracking where they sent the card, that will take 10 days.
Meanwhile I have a ticket back to Canada yesterday, to visit my best friend who is 74 and in ill-health. She had to sell her house and move into a seniors residence.
I wanted to be there, to take her round possible residences, negotiate the agreement with the agent who is selling her house. Help her every step of the way.
When I found out about the lost green card, this ment no trip back to Canada as my lawyer said “if you leave the country your application becomes null and void and they won’t let you back in”.
I was angry and upset and heart-broken. I felt like I could not do my duty for my best friend who was always there for me. I was widowed at 44 years old. Blindsided, shocked and deeply suicidal she saved my life, as my neighbour talking to me, seeing my pain, accepting me as I am.
Now in her time of need I was not there.
I did not sleep, I felt deep soul anguish, which led me to prayer.
I begged my dead husband to help. I invoked the angel of god. I asked for the impossible: to make things easy for my best friend Pauline.
I prayed every night for help and ease. I did the loving Kindness meditation imagining my friend Pauline at ease, and at peace.
A miracle happened.
Today I called my friend Pauline, and she told me a neighbour has offered to buy her house for cash, no agents. They have been to the lawyers and the house closes July 28th.
She has seen a nice seniors home that has an indoor pool, and card games and is moving in July.
What a miracle.
Here I was in deep anguish that I could not leave the country to help my best friend.
As soon as I surrendered to spirit, and asked for help, and allowed spirit to take over, the solution was fast, creative, effective and perfect.
Something I could not have thought of or engineered.
You see my friend is very private, and I knew she would not want people trotting through her house.
This solution was PERFECT.
This was a great lesson for me in trying too hard to manage situations, rather than call on the mighty spirit to bring about the perfect resolution. In this case within 48 hours.
Wow what a lesson for me.
Tell me about your everyday miracle.
How much do you resist showing up fully for life?
I am reading an interesting book called the Surrender Experiment. Michael Singer (author of the Untethered Soul). Mr. Singer describes how he decided to surrender to whatever presented in his life for one year and not evaluate what was showing up. But rather to say yes to what comes into his life, despite any internal resistance. His goal was to rid himself of internal resistance and go with the flow of life. When something good or bad shows up in our life, do we evaluate it based on our preferences in our mind of what we like or dislike? Do we then we decide our action based on our mind’s preferences.
The whole premise of the surrender experiment is to accept everything that takes place in your life, good or bad, and say yes to it.
As I read this book I contemplated what a radical experiment this would be to undertake in my life. How much of my time and energy is spent resisting life and evaluating what shows up, in order to compare it against my mind’s preference for what I was expecting to show up.
So what has shown up in my life so far that was not planned? Two wonderful dogs, a wonderful American man I met at a retreat, a home in the Colorado mountains at 10,000 ft. Being financially dependent and emotional dependnt on this American man as I am not legally allowed to work (ie surrender control). What would happen if I said an internal YES rather than dwelling on where I should be in my life at this age. What if I defined success by my ability to surrender to what is present in my life. To fully show up?
How do I surrender completely to the experiences in front of me?
How often do I hang onto self concepts that limit me and set expectations within myself about what I let into my life. What concepts am I holding onto that limit what I let into my life? Can I surrender my fixed concepts of myself like the author did. Self concepts and labels such as independent woman, grieving widow, college teacher. Do I let these concepts unconsciously define me? The more I hang onto the past self concepts that no longer apply here in the present, do I limit the unknown, or mysteries that are waiting to flow into my life.
Michael Singer made the “commitment to surrender to life’s flow even if he didn’t understand what was happening.”
Through the surrender experiment he started out on 10 acres wanting to be alone and practice his meditation in the woods. By saying yes to what life presented he ended up with a multi-millon dollar business developed on his land, he built a temple dedicated to yoga and meditation, and had a permanent spiritual community that was established on his land called the Temple of the Universe that has existed since 1975. In his book he said “ I know perfectly well that I didn’t do it. The best I can say is that I let go of myself, and allowed what was meant to be-to be.”
How can I do that? How can I fully surrender to life? How have I opted out of life, or not fully shown up to what is present in my life today? How have my attempts to control and direct my life from my mind’s preferences interrupted my true purpose?