We just saw the film “Manchester by the Sea”. What a deeply moving movie.
It’s a story of a young man who just can’t forgive himself. My heart broke for him. He was on strike with life. Leaving a place where everyone knew him at his home by the sea, to go live in a one room basement in a big city away from his past pain. Every time he went home he was reminded of his past, reminded of his pain and his heartache.
How often have I run away from pain, changed locations and thought that I was leaving my pain behind.
The irony is that we take the pain with us, inside us no, matter where we are physically. We can change locations and get new partners. But still the heartache is kept alive inside us.
As I watched that movie my heart ached for the character played by Casey Affleck. When he meets his ex-wife in the street, she wants to forgive him, and love him, but he could not receive the love, as he could not forgive and love himself.
This movie was a moving portrayal of an extreme circumstance of loss. How often have I played out situations or circumstances where I don’t forgive myself. My unforgiveness is being on strike with life and it becomes a habit or a stance.
Is there anything you have been stubbornly hanging onto from the past, that you are in unforgiveness around?
There are many benefits in not forgiving ourselves.We get to continue to punish ourselves and play the victim in life. We get others to feel sorry for us and justify our backdoor behaviours, like being cruel and impatient with ourself and others.
Right now as I wait for 90 days for my immigration permit I tell myself that I am “trapped”, that I don’t have choices. I feel frustrated and impatient, as if that official piece of paper will give me permission to shine. Someone asked me what would a spiritual leader do in this situation? A spiritual leader would be disciplined and use this time to expand, write, meditate and create. Time is something that people crave and associate with abundance. Rather than see myself as being punished I can see myself in abundance, in a time to be me, to flow to shine, to listen to my spirit.