I am a 51-year-old woman who was widowed suddenly at 44, when my husband was killed in a crash on the way home from taking his mechanics exam. After the severe shock and loss I resigned myself to being alone. I started traveling and meditating, thinking that in traveling I could leave my grief behind. Over the past 7 years since my husband’s death I have dated, but I had never let myself love someone, or be loved. I was on emotional strike. I was being emotionally loyal to my dead husband. I never let anyone in.
On my 50th birthday I was asked out to lunch by a man online, who said all the right things to me but his words did not ring true. Something felt not quite right. But hey, it was my birthday and I thought it would be nice to be taken out for lunch. We went to a lovely riverside town called Bobcaygen in Canada, we had fun laughing and chatting. As we walked down the street arm in arm he said “well I bought you lunch, you owe me”. I thought he was joking and I started laughing. I asked what he thought I owed him. He said “at least a blowjob”. I laughed even harder, I could not believe he was serious. Except he was.
After that wonderful experience I sat down and spoke directly to my dead husband. I wrote a list of all the qualities that I deserved in a partner. It was a very specific list. I then lit a candle in front of my husband’s picture, and read him the list. I told him directly that I would be celibate for the rest of my life, rather than accept crumbs. I told him that I expected these qualities in a partner. I challenged my husband’s spirit to find such a person. I burned the list, and surrendered my request to spirit and let go. The cynic within me thought “good luck with that”, as I did not believe such a man existed.
A few weeks later I was drawn to a spiritual development retreat at the Omega Centre in upper state NY. That is where I met the man with ocean blue eyes. He sat in front of me at the retreat with a friend. I tapped him on the shoulder, and asked if we could work together. We were put in groups of three and asked to share about our ability to receive in our life. He shared at a deep emotional level with his eyes tearing up. I was lost in his eyes. One of the qualities on my list was a partner who could express themselves emotionally, rather than having to drag it out of them. I was struck by his eyes and wrote in my notes “that I could swim in his eyes forever”.
I noticed he was with a woman, and I said to myself “forget about him, this is not why you are here”.
Saturday night, I went to the Omega Centre cafe even though I was tired. Something in me made me go. I ran into the ocean blue eyed man again, and we sat and chatted until the cafe closed. I told him about my husband dying suddenly, and he talked about his 35 year marriage ending. He asked me if he could come back to my dorm room and keep chatting. I told him I had to go and ask my angels.
I went to the bathroom and asked my angels, my wise self-what to do. they said “ do not invite this man back to you room”. I told a young staff woman in the bathroom that a guy wants to come back to my dorm room, and what did she think? She said “well its a cold october night”. I came back to the table aid my angels said “no you cannot come to my room”. He was disappointed but did not question my decision.
Sunday morning I went to yoga, hoping to see him. He was not there. I went to breakfast and sat with 3 women who were in the retreat. I told them I had met a man at this retreat, they all knew him, and they had known him for 5 months as part of this ongoing group. They spoke about his big heart, and his willingness to work on himself. They basically vetted him. This was another of my requirements on my lists to my deceesed husband, that I would meet a man face to face, and through other women who knew him, and could vouch for him.
Sunday was the end of the retreat. Before he left, he ran to the Omega bookstore and bought two wooden malas, one for me and one for him. He said “now we will always be connected”. We kissed as the autumn leaves fell. It was a sunny day, but it was also snowing lightly. I distinctly remember the kiss in slow motion. The sun on my cheek, the soft snow falling with the leaves. And then he was gone.
We started to talk via Skype every night for hours. We meditated together via Skype. We talked about our relationships. He had been married for 35 year and has been alone for 2 years. I shared memories of my dead husband every night. For the first time I met a man who was not offended by my love for my deceased husband. He honoured and embraced my love. This kind man I met at the retreat begged to come and visit me in Canada. After 2 months of talking I said yes, and we went on our first date in Toronto.
Flash forward 14 months, I find myself deeply in love, and in a foreign country. I know my spirit husband sent me this man. How do I know? He has all the qualities on the list, that I had written to spirit. I met him face to face, as I had requested in my list. He had an interest in growing spiritually, he had no interest in the bar scene, he is emotional and romantic, and still curious about life.
It was as if spirit lined us both up, to be there at the exact right time. Spirit put him right in front of me.
This experience has made me really trust more that spirit has my back. That there is such a thing as divine timing. My part is to be clear about how I want to feel in a relationship, and what qualities I want, but then I need to surrender the timing to spirit, to the divine.