Anger at god

She cried out, why is this so hard, why is he suffering so much?  Please take him lord I can’t take it anymore.  He was gone in the next two hours.  Since then I have been angry.  Why did he have to suffer so much?  Why did it have to be so hard.

This was one of my clients share in our grief group.  I asked her if she was angry at god.  This is not something we talk about in loss.  We can be angry at the doctors, the medical staff but not God.

When my husband died suddenly.  I had the pleasure of identifying his mangled body.   After that I was angry at god, and formed a punishing relationship with love at its source.

Have any of you had anger at god?   What has caused it?  Do you feel deeply ashamed and uncomfortable about this?

I would love to hear from you on this topic.

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Finally getting my mother

When I was in my 20’s my mother was very outgoing.  She used to flirt with young men.  They seemed to play along or humour her.  When I brought my boyfriend home she flirted with him.  I married him and spent 25 years with him.

Now I am 53.  I was at a friend’s house where there is a volleyball court.  All his kids and friends were playing.  I had a broken toe so I was watching.  It was hot and summer, the young men started taking off their shirts.  I announced that all the men playing must take their shirts off.

They did.  I sat there being entertained while sipping my drink. 

In that moment I realised that I had become my mother.  This is exactly what she would have done. I laughed out loud and toasted her.

Too bad I finally “got” my mother in my 50’s but she has already been gone 8 years.

A nice summer moment.  She would have been proud.

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Drug Companies in America

Only in america does a drug company combine Naltroxone, that is used to block the effects of opioids in an overdose, combined with Bupropion which is an antidepressant that is used to help people quit smoking.

Now it is being marketed to woman as a new weight loss drug.

The side effects are crazy and include seizures and mania, all for a 5% weight loss.  Not to mention that the study was a small sample size.  They were each provided nutritional and exercise counseling, which is probably what the weight loss was really about.

OMG what is going on when a drug company can market something that has huge side effects and such little gain.  America is really over the top.


My own happiness

I am on hold to book my nail appointment in Colorado, USA.  While I am on hold I hear that Antigua Guatemala one of my favourite places in the world, is covered in hot ash with many people left to die.  3,000 wealthy were evacuated, the rest were left behind.

I book my gel nail apt.   Then my husband tells me Kate Spade hung herself in her billion dollar apt in NY city.  My reaction?  Wow she had so much money?

In Guatemala happiness is finding your daughter in the rubble.  In NYC happiness obviously cannot be bought.  There is always a highlight reel playing out on Facebook, of successes only.   It makes me conscious of how happiness is a personal responsibility.  It is my job to help create more happiness within myself.

These days I feel so impatient.  I want my life to be organized and sorted.  The truth is  that as soon as I feel organized, life will change again.

My only hope is that I can create some happiness within my heart that is enduring.

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The heart time


”I think midlife is when the universe gently places her hands upon your shoulders, pulls you close, and whispers in your ear:

I’m not screwing around. It’s time. All of this pretending and performing – these coping mechanisms that you’ve developed to protect yourself from feeling inadequate and getting hurt – has to go.

Your armor is preventing you from growing into your gifts. I understand that you needed these protections when you were small. I understand that you believed your armor could help you secure all of the things you needed to feel worthy of love and belonging, but you’re still searching and you’re more lost than ever.

Time is growing short. There are unexplored adventures ahead of you. You can’t live the rest of your life worried about what other people think. You were born worthy of love and belonging. Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

~ Brené Brown

We all go through phases of development, Eric Erickson talked about the stage of middle adulthood as generativity vs. stagnation.  One of the biggest risks of this stage is feeling a sense of stuckness and disconnection from what you love.  I like to think of middle adulthood as being called  the heart time.  It is time to invest in your heart.  To trust your heart wisdom over your mind.

Prior to that the intellect, and logic have priority with career, family, children, and achieving material success.

Later in mid-life you may have the house, the job the children.  What is left?  Your heart, your unexplored passion, the depth of your soul, asking yourself who am I now?

This is what your 50’s are about.


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The delusion of permanence

 I remember when I went to australia with my husband in 2000.  We went to Perth and across to Melbourne.  We wanted to check out new Zealand but we said to ourselves “next time” we come back as we had planed to emigrate to Australia.  

We did not emigrate to Australia.  I have yet to see new Zealand.  

How often in my life have I told myself “next time”.  I will buy that crystal, or next time I will walk to the end of the beach.

Recently I went to Sedona to a retreat that is down a dirt road 2 hours from the airport.  After the retreat we had a day or two days to check out the vortexes close-by.  I had heard about Shaman’s cave, it is a tough hike in, quite remote-it is a place where shamans go to gain great spiritual insight.

I caught myself saying “next time we come we will plan a trip to the shamans cave”, putting it off assuming I will be back.  

How often in my life do I delay joy, assuming I will experience it at a later date? What if Janice Joplin is right and “tomorrow never comes”.  

What about fully enjoying a place while I am there.  What if I were to say to myself “I may never be back here”.  That is the real truth of life.  Am I am just waking up from the dream….

Life is impermanent and constantly changing.   What is real is this moment that is right in front of me, and the love that is available to me right here, right now.

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Who are you when no one is watching?

social courage: standing up, speaking up when no one is looking.

Social courage means not conforming to the expectations of others, being willing to show your true self even if it means risking social disapproval or punishment. It means being able to express opinions and preferences without checking to see if they are in line with “everyone else’s” opinions and preferences.” Wikipedia

I remember years ago when I was married to my first husband.  People at his work were making sexist jokes.  My husband came home and told me that he was uncomfortable but did not say anything.   We had a discussion about how to speak up so you don’t lose your job.   He went to work the next day,  and expressed his discomfort with the discussion to those involved.  He did not attack the people, he did not get self-righteous and tell them what they need to do.  He just spoke his truth.

Social courage is speaking your truth, even when no one of importance is watching.



Boom or Bust in the mountains

Being in a new relationship the second time around is so interesting in my 50’s.   I have heard people call their first marriage their “starter marriage”.  By their second marriage they are determined to live the lessons they learned from the first.  To show up differently in their next relationship.

Since moving to the mountain we have bought a crock pot.  We have tried to make lamb stew and beef bourgeois.  I do feel like a new wife who wants her husbands belly to be happy.    I myself like cooking and chopping and drinking and nibbling more than I like eating the end result.  Suffice to say I am an ok cook but not great.

So I decided to go to a local bookstore to get a crock pot cookbook.  I ventured out in Breckenridge and found a great used bookstore run by two young guys.  I asked them about cookbooks, they led me to a back room and pointed to piles of books on the floor.  “These are all our cookbooks”.   I said I was looking for a slow cooker cookbook.   One young guy pulled out the “fix it and forget it” cookbook, I flipped through it.  It was mostly ingredients like velveta and cream of mushroom soup.  I opted for the classic vintage crockpot cookbook titled Mable Hoffman Crockery cookery from 1975, it used whole ingredients.

I went home and cooked beef bourgeois as per her recipe and it turned out great. It seems that at altitude more flour and water is needed. My fiancé seemed super happy and we ate it once with french crusty bread and once with pasta.   I forget that if something is not sealed and in the fridge it goes rock hard within an hour or two.  Welcome to thin dry air in the Colorado mountains.

I think about women who married gold miners here in the 1800’s what kind of life they must have had.  No running water, and a wood stove.  One woman who owns a clothing store told me that her space used to be a bathhouse in the 1860s.  She said that gold miners would come down the mountain and take a bath on one side of the store, and then buy chocolates on the other side of the store for their sweetheart.

We live right in the gold-rush town.  “Downtown” consists of 4,500 permanent residents, with 160,000 tourists that arrive over the winter season to ski. The town  becomes a ghost town on April 23rd when the mountain closes.  Boom or Bust.

For us not against us

Last night I dreamt I had a plane ticket and I lost it.  Then I found out someone had stolen my passport photo and I could not use my passport.  I looked up the meaning of this in dream dictionaries and it said that I feel out of control with my life.  Have you ever felt out of control with your life?

Experts tell us hat we really can’t control life, that it is an illusion.  The only thing we can control is ourself.  Even then when we go to sleep our subconscious takes over in our dreams.  How much of our  behaviour is programmed in childhood and then set.   Unless we take the time to examine our reactions we end up assuming it is the other person who has the problem.

My father used to believe that the world was out to get him. What if I grew up relating to the world as an adversary?

I do have a choice now, to look at what I want to believe about the world and the people that surround me.

I choose to believe that the universe conspires for me, not against me.

Embracing inconvenience as a way to define our uniqueness

“Today’s cult of convenience fails to acknowledge that difficulty is a constitutive feature of human experience. Convenience is all destination and no journey. But climbing a mountain is different from taking the tram to the top, even if you end up at the same place. We are becoming people who care mainly or only about outcomes. We are at risk of making most of our life experiences a series of trolley rides”. Tim Wu

There has been a lot of research about the next generation of “bubble wrapped kids” who have not developed their struggle muscle, and are set up for a host of addictions and mental health issues.  This is because they are not able to tolerate discomfort, failure and frustration over a period of time.

Discovering how we deal with difficulty and frustration builds character,  it pushes us to reach for our own creative solutions, and our own uniqueness.

Such activities strengthen our ability to be uncomfortable and still work for what we value.  There is a joy in doing something slow and something difficult, the satisfaction of not doing what is the easiest.

Like Amazon’s Jeff Basso says, “slow is smooth, and smooth is fast”.

I would love to hear your thoughts on this…..