Dirty courage

Dirty courage is being willing to fall in love again in your 50’s and 60’s when you can never pretend that you are young, fit and free.  You have bags under your eyes, and emotional baggage. You have memories that are treasured, and ones you wish you could forget.

I have so many friends in their 50’s and 60’s who secretly want love but have resigned themselves to living alone.  They are getting by with their job, their kids are growing up, and moving out and they have a stable life.

Love would complicate that.  One of my very good friends has said to me he would not date anyone unless they were 20 min-30 min away from him.  He does not have the time or interest to date someone further away.

What if the love of your life is waiting for you? What if you were destined to meet this person on your next trip to the city, or to a campground or on a hike in the mountains?

Once you narrow your view, then your view is changed.

Your mind only notices what is in its direct view.


Where does happiness come from?  Recently I heard our unity minister says that happiness comes from inner peace.   Is that true?  Is happiness an internal destination?  There have been times in my life where I had nothing, my husband and were both students.  I was so happy because I had love, deep love and laughter.

Then there were times in my life when I had every material thing I could ever imagine, a house, the perfect couch, a good job and friends.  On paper I had everything, but I felt so lonely and empty inside because I did not have real love in my life.

I asked my current partner where does happiness come from?  He said for him it comes from inside, being able to follow your own compass, despite what others expect of you.

Then we watched “Jim and Andy” a documentary of Jim Carry making the man in the moon movie.  Jim Carey said for him happiness was doing what he loved.  However he got to the point of sitting on the beach in Malibu depressed.   He felt empty.

Gabrielle union was interviewed this week in the NY times magazine about her new book titled we are going to need more wine. 

she said “in her 30’s if someone asked me to name 10 things that make me happy,  I would have said ground beef, butter and imitation crab-not even the real crab!  Most  of us have no clue what makes us happy.  Were always supercritical of our spouses or our friends, or our co-workers for not magically knowing how to be our friend or how to love us.  And its like “How do you even sign up for that when you haven’t figured it out for yourself?”

Happiness is fluid and changes with your self-identity. True? or not?


I am reading a plant-based food lifestyle magazine called Thrive.  I flip through it with coffee, looking at the pictures and recipes.  I feel like I am ingesting the images of the food.  I say to myself, “if I had a chef, I could live on plant-based food, it looks so good”  Interesting thinking. This thinking is powerlessness at its best.  It leaves me waiting for the day, when I could hire a chef. It leaves me reaching outside myself for someone to feed me.  Someone who can nurture my body, with the right food for me.

How many of us flip through magazines, and watch the food channel aka food porn, with no intention of cooking the recipes. My friend watches the food channel and eats chips as her entertainment.  A quick hit of a fantasy, just like porn, and then go back to our mundane life.

The plant-based movement really intrigues me.  It has a sense of decadence to it, and an inclusive lifestyle.  There is a no deprivation energy– just abundance.

I realise I have waited my whole life for someone to feed me well.

What about feeding myself?

Do I do the same with love?

Do I wait for someone to give me the love that will nourish me, heal me and fulfil my soul?

Dr. Barbara D’Angelis, best-selling author of the Choice for Love  talks about giving ourselves what we really need.  She equates it to getting on a plane hungry, assuming they will have the food you need.  “It is like starving yourself and expecting someone else to feed you”.

Now is the time for me to start feeding myself.  Feeding my body what it really wants; food that makes me feel happy instead of sad. Yesterday I made a roast, potatoes and greens. After dinner I felt content, energetic and proud.

Now I am re-evaluating everything I ingest.  Taking in entertainment that uplifts me, rather than leaving me feeling beaten down, by viewing violence and pain. Feeding myself great protein and tasty treats.  The protein is real love and connection, with myself, my partner, and my beloved dogs. The tasty treats are meditation, love, sunlight, cuddles, and thankfulness inside and out.

A great chef designs recipes that are deeply satisfying.  How do I learn the recipes that makes up the menu for my life?

In 2018 I am going to become the master chef of my body, mind, and spirit.

I want to Thrive.



Goddess of letting go

Dhumavati is the hindu goddess of letting go.  We are told we can invoke this goddess to help us navigate disappointment, and to discover the freedom in letting go.

Letting go is not something we are taught.  It is a skill we observe in our parents  assuming they are able to let go.

My mother hung onto everything and guarded her belongings.  “Grasping” was a word that comes to mind.

My father was interesting, he was a collector who had 3 of everything just in case.  He grew up in the depression.  He would swing between hording, and letting go of everything.

One day I came home and my mother was furious.  My father had given away the silverware, so we had nothing to eat dinner with.

As a child growing up in the British Air Force, we were forced to let go of the idea of home.  We moved countries every 2 years.  As a kid I intuitively knew not to get too attached to friends, objects, or placse as it would be gone when we moved.

Deep inside me I know I yearned to attach to something.  I had no idea that I could build a “home” inside myself.

Now I find myself in a state of relinquishment, choosing to let go-for love.

How much would you give up for love?

Would you leave your country?

Would you leave your work?

Would you leave your friends?

Would you leave the familiar?

I have a good friend who is now 58, and is seriously seeking love.  His criterion is that a women lives within 30 mintues drive of him.  He is not willing to drive beyond that for love.  Does that not limit his options?  What if his perfect match lived 2 hours away?

How often do we get attached to a fixed outcome, and cling to it.   Then we get angry when something else shows up that does not match our vision.

How do we surrender to the life that is right in front of us?



A different world inside….

When you get to a certain age you have fewer years in front of you than behind you.  You can stop and evaluate your life.

I believe that the first 50 years of my life I have spent trying to figure the world out, trying to figure life out.  Working very hard to manage life to get what I want.  I have spent all my energy wanting to understand motivations, people and systems.

Now I feel I am moving into the heart phase of my life.  Letting go of the need to know, letting go of the insistence of understanding the world and people.  Letting go of the hard work to constantly quantify people and experiences.

As a child I thought that if I understood and had knowledge it would protect me and keep me safe from the outside world.

As an adult I know…….

Most of the universe is unknowable.

So much of life is a mystery.

When I focus on needing to know, needing to understand; I narrow my bandwidth for the divine to flow in.  I can only know what is in front of me.

The next 30 years I want to spend experiencing the mystery of life.

I want to flow rather than understand.

I want to love rather than evaluate.

I want to discriminate rather than assess.

I want to share the love that I came here to share, for myself and others around me.

If we all did this we would have a very different world!

“Courage and daring are coursing through you. You were made to live and love with your whole heart. It’s time to show up and be seen.”

~ Brené Brown

Transforming our shadow into light


We all have a pain story.  We all have a past where we have been hurt, dumped, and left broken-hearted.  We think our story makes us unique.  We believe that no one could fully understand our suffering.

As we enter into the new moon I have been contemplating letting go of my pain story.  To no longer let my pain story define me now, and into the future.

I went to a new moon ceremony that included stories about goddesses, live music and asana practice.

We were led us through yoga asanas while the musicians chanted.  We were told in this new moon we have an opportunity to transform our shadow into light, and to set our intention.

What is it that no longer serves you that you can now let go of?

What darkness would you like to release to the light of this new moon?


Going down the mountain

Sitting in our backyard in Boulder is so nice.  We can hear the trees and the creek.  Two fat squirrels are chasing each other through the overlapping trees that have not been trimmed in 30 years.  The squirrels in Bolder are brown and fat.  The mountain squirrels are lean and gray.   We walk down the circle stone path and find a blackberry bush by a stone bench and sit, picking the sweet September blackberries.

This is our new home in Boulder.  We had to leave the mountains and go to the city to find quiet.  In Breckenridge we heard fire alarms, garbage trucks and food delivery trucks arriving for the downtown restaurants all day.  For a town of 4,500 there were at least 4 alarms a day.  Not to mention the tourists who alarm their cars in the parking lot accross from our old Breckenridge house.

Sitting here in our Boulder, the house energy is wonderful. We rented it from a couple who in their 60’s.  They decided to take a contract teaching in Burma or the union of Myanma.  He is an english professor, and she is a video producer, both on an adventure now that their two boys are in college.

This couple have lived in this house for 30 years, raised their kids in a one bedroom cottage.  As the kids grew they added 2 tiny rooms,  an extra bathroom but no closets.  It feels like a small cottage in the city.

They built a shed that became the boys bong hut in their 20’s.  When we looked at the house the bong hut had truck seats, and a Bob Marley wall hanging, and lots of butts in the ashtray.

Now we have painted it and converted it into our meditation room, a quiet sacred reflective space with a mosaic red lantern, and a tree of life bronze wall hanging and lots of cushions for sitting.

Looking around the garden I notice an orange wheelbarrow, and my mind flashes back to my first marriage,  and our first house in 2005.  I was thrilled to have a garden of my own.  Owning a house was good, but a garden that I could invest in, and did not have to leave was priceless for me.

I spent most summer days in the garden.  One day my husband arrived with a beautiful top of the line metal wheelbarrow in enamel blue, with gorgeous wood and blue enamel handles.  I cried.  He said it was the best one on the market.  My heart and mind flash back to that moment sitting here in this garden in Boulder.

This house has a great mature garden that backs onto a creek.  It has brambles and overgrown areas that remind me of my grandfathers garden in Eaglescliff – Northern England. We used to play hide and seek through the raspberries and rose bushes.  When I grew up and went back to my grandfathers garden, it was so small, but it felt like a labyrinth of secret places.   I can imagine a young couple moving to Boulder, him a young english teacher, her an aspiring filmaker, watching their young boys running around the back yard, playing hide and seek.

We can’t wait to bring our 3-year-old husky down from the mountain to this new house. She can hide in the shade of a tree,  or chase the brown chubby squirrels through the underbrush.   I am sitting at a square wooden table that is weathered and grey, and has four benches around it.  I imagine great barbeques and good discussions at this table.

My heart is like the old weathered wood.  A little worn, but plenty of life still left in it.

Cheers to Boulder!